What it's like to be naturally oriented towards polyamory
A counterpoint to sensationalist memoirs
I’ve known I wasn’t oriented towards monogamy for about as long as I’ve had an active love life. At 16, I noticed that I lacked the instinct for jealousy of my peers: I had a good looking boyfriend who got a lot of female attention, and all I felt when he flirted with other girls was titillated. At university I dated my first couple, and was instantly taken with the romance of a three way relationship. Ever since then, I’ve regarded throuples as the pinnacle of romance although, unfortunately, long-term, committed throuples are rather rare.
Just as people can be quite bad at cross-sex mind reading, polyamorous and monogamous people often fail to understand each other. On more than one occasion I’ve dated someone monogamous, them imagining that when things got serious I would forego my other lovers and settle down with them, me imagining that after a few months they would realise how great polyamory was. Having said that, it does occasionally work - I have successfully initiated at least a couple of people into polyamory.
A lot of my social circle are poly, and my observation is that hierarchical polyamory works best for the majority of people. That is, to have a primary partner (or two, if you’re lucky enough to find that throuple!) who you are uniquely committed to; perhaps owning a house together, having children together. Even among people who are highly sociosexual, pair-bonding is the norm, and especially where kids are involved, it makes sense to prioritise a stable, long-term relationship.
It has always seemed profoundly romantic to me to know that my primary partner does not begrudge me romance and intimacy with other people, that we actually enjoy one another’s happiness, even when it involves another person. It makes me feel secure to know that my partner connecting with someone else does not diminish their love for me, and vice versa. This has always seemed entirely natural to me.
I’m not totally immune to jealousy, I know what it feels like! But I only experience jealousy about things I don’t have - for example, I could feel jealous if someone I wanted to date didn’t feel the same way, but was seeing someone else. If I’m getting what I need from a relationship, I won’t feel possessive. Possibly one reason I’m suited to polyamory is that I am very emotionally self-sufficient, so my relationship needs are easy to meet.
Not all polyamorous people feel the way I do. For example, some people regularly experience jealousy, but see that as a price they are willing to pay for the benefits of the lifestyle. People choose polyamory at different stages of life, for different reasons, and other than being high in openness, I don’t think that there is a distinctive polyamorous personality profile. I don’t pretend my account is representative of polyamory as a whole, just the experience of one person for whom polyamory has always made sense.
I am someone who is never doing primary, and allow me to extend ypour viewpoint with that of someone who is always tertiary or comet.
The thing is, the primary is doing the actual work in the relationship, and I just get to enjoy the benefits. It is actually crazy, like a cheat code to life.
I would be completely undateable as a primary or mono, I am impossible to live with (like zero housework), I don't really do emotional talking, and I don't even do much sex. A completely bad offer.
But as a tertiary or comet, I am dateable. I offer my women partners, who live with primaries, simply a one weekend per three months short vacation at my home, a little kink, a little restaurants, baths, or museums, a little cuddling and kissing, intellectual or humorous talk, basically just an entertaining weekend, and they accept it simply because they like the variety and I can be entertaining.
A very bad offer as a mono or primary can become a good offer when tertiary or comet. Just a little variation and an interesting weekend once in a while.
That's because for a primary or mono, you should be a proper adult with things like responsibility and investing effort, and I am childish at 47 even, I just want my life to be fun, no effort or work outside office hours. On the other hand, the occasional weekend with someone childish is entertaining, because childish people are good at organizing fun, having fun, being carefree etc.
Articles like these are always bittersweet for me. Great hearing confirmation describing the same way I feel. And sad knowing I'm a naturally poly person married to a very monogamous spouse. I guess it's pretty common