I am someone who is never doing primary, and allow me to extend ypour viewpoint with that of someone who is always tertiary or comet.
The thing is, the primary is doing the actual work in the relationship, and I just get to enjoy the benefits. It is actually crazy, like a cheat code to life.
I would be completely undateable as a primary or mono, I am impossible to live with (like zero housework), I don't really do emotional talking, and I don't even do much sex. A completely bad offer.
But as a tertiary or comet, I am dateable. I offer my women partners, who live with primaries, simply a one weekend per three months short vacation at my home, a little kink, a little restaurants, baths, or museums, a little cuddling and kissing, intellectual or humorous talk, basically just an entertaining weekend, and they accept it simply because they like the variety and I can be entertaining.
A very bad offer as a mono or primary can become a good offer when tertiary or comet. Just a little variation and an interesting weekend once in a while.
That's because for a primary or mono, you should be a proper adult with things like responsibility and investing effort, and I am childish at 47 even, I just want my life to be fun, no effort or work outside office hours. On the other hand, the occasional weekend with someone childish is entertaining, because childish people are good at organizing fun, having fun, being carefree etc.
Thanks for adding this perspective! I totally agree - I have always loved being a secondary partner, and if I didn't want children might have chosen a similar lifestyle to you. I especially enjoy casually dating couples and cheat code is a good way to describe it - they have done all the hard work of building a loving relationship and you get to waltz in and enjoy it for a weekend.
Thank you for writing this. I’m in a relationship like this, and sometimes it's hard to see that a lot of what I like is the break from the rest of my life (and the anticipation!).
Articles like these are always bittersweet for me. Great hearing confirmation describing the same way I feel. And sad knowing I'm a naturally poly person married to a very monogamous spouse. I guess it's pretty common
I'm curious to know who you've observed it works for specifically--it doesn't seem to work for most people, and most of the poly relationships I knew were much less stable over the long term. Diana Fleischman, for instance, seemed to think you had to be disagreeable enough to have the difficult conversations, possess good communication skills, and obviously be able to manage jealousy.
(I only went to solo-poly after effectively writing off marriage and figuring it made a better ethical framework given that I wasn't going to permanently pair-bond. (I later quit romance altogether, but that was another story.))
I think it suits people who are self-assured, naturally low on jealousy, and novelty seeking. But the long-term happily poly folks I know vary quite a bit in personality - plenty are introverts, plenty are highly agreeable. Being low neuroticism obviously helps with building successful relationships, but that's equally true of monogamous ones.
Not OP but I personally have two friends from college that have been married as long as I have (10+ years) and both started their relationships and continue them as poly relationships.
Personally I am poly-orientated but chose monogamy because it seemed more stable, and I do have some envy that my friends didn't make that trade-off because - now it turns out it wasn't actually a trade-off for them! I was wrong! (It's of course not an option for me anymore because I married a mono-oriented man.)
Basically none of my friends with kids are divorced, though, that includes the monogamous ones, they're all still together too. I do have one mono couple friend of 10+ years that opened up their marriage a few years ago. Seems okay thus far!
We ventured into it and have been in it for over two decades now. Maybe not in its true sense .. we are ‘monogamish’ … my wife and I live together with our family and we have a third for over 20 years who is our best friend and at times, part of of sexual adventures as well.
In our 50s, we’re spending more time sharing our thoughts than actually living them. Here is a bit about us .. hope you enjoy the read and subscribe:
I would call it polyamory to have a primary partner and also have, or being open to, other long-term, loving relationships. But I do think monogamish, where other partners are more casual, is a great model that works for a lot of people.
Thanks for this rather brave post. We are undergoing a long term evolution in which liberal societies move from controlling the reproductive capacity of their members as a societal good to treating it as an individual matter…but evolution happens only slowly, and there are, of course legitimate limitations, most importantly relating to children. The individualist end-goal should be a recognition that people are different, and should be free to seek relationship structures that work for them as long as those structures don’t harm others, and even if there are significant risks in not conforming to tried and true templates. Good luck!
I remember being in my teens and people asking me about life. I never wanted a wife and kids. The thought literally never occurred naturally to me. I had always imagined myself as kind of a dirt bag vagabond, taking on partners for as long as it felt natural.
But I grew up in a decently religious area that pushed marriage and kids and the white picket fence. I fought against and every person in every position of authority would preach about how I was wrong. Or I was just a late bloomer. Society always talked about one true love. Marriage. The escalator. It always filled me with dread every time. But that's what people did, gosh darnit. It didnt matter if *I* felt like the entire idea of romantic love was some giant hoax being played on me.
I ended up married to the first girl that pretended to love me. In case you couldnt tell by my phrasing, it ended horribly. After it ended, I did sole searching and learned polyamory was a thing. And that I wasn't broken. Or crazy. Or wrong. Or anything negative. I was different, sure. But different isn't broken. I just had to find my people. Which is significantly easier to do when you know you're not alone.
Started dating a new girl that was excited to be poly. The last a full year until we moved into together and suddenly she didnt want to do it anymore. By that point she had enmeshed our finances together so much I couldn't afford to leave. Another monogamous relationship that ended quite horribly.
Now? I got about 5 or so half partners. I say half because they're all mostly comets are else the dynamic is lacking some major component (feature, not a bug) to being a full fledged partner. Being poly is something I will never budge on ever again. I will never have another live in primary partner ever again. I will never rely on another partner for stability ever again.
I don't really experience jealousy outside of the occasional jealousy of missing a concert or specific event. But, thats more so about the event than of the other people involved. I know I offer things that my partners aren't able to get elsewhere, and I know their other partners offer things I cant provide. But that's okay. I can't provide those things because I have no interest in providing those things.
But I am the happiest I've ever been since before I ever started dating almost 20 years ago.
I am someone who is never doing primary, and allow me to extend ypour viewpoint with that of someone who is always tertiary or comet.
The thing is, the primary is doing the actual work in the relationship, and I just get to enjoy the benefits. It is actually crazy, like a cheat code to life.
I would be completely undateable as a primary or mono, I am impossible to live with (like zero housework), I don't really do emotional talking, and I don't even do much sex. A completely bad offer.
But as a tertiary or comet, I am dateable. I offer my women partners, who live with primaries, simply a one weekend per three months short vacation at my home, a little kink, a little restaurants, baths, or museums, a little cuddling and kissing, intellectual or humorous talk, basically just an entertaining weekend, and they accept it simply because they like the variety and I can be entertaining.
A very bad offer as a mono or primary can become a good offer when tertiary or comet. Just a little variation and an interesting weekend once in a while.
That's because for a primary or mono, you should be a proper adult with things like responsibility and investing effort, and I am childish at 47 even, I just want my life to be fun, no effort or work outside office hours. On the other hand, the occasional weekend with someone childish is entertaining, because childish people are good at organizing fun, having fun, being carefree etc.
Thanks for adding this perspective! I totally agree - I have always loved being a secondary partner, and if I didn't want children might have chosen a similar lifestyle to you. I especially enjoy casually dating couples and cheat code is a good way to describe it - they have done all the hard work of building a loving relationship and you get to waltz in and enjoy it for a weekend.
Thank you for writing this. I’m in a relationship like this, and sometimes it's hard to see that a lot of what I like is the break from the rest of my life (and the anticipation!).
Articles like these are always bittersweet for me. Great hearing confirmation describing the same way I feel. And sad knowing I'm a naturally poly person married to a very monogamous spouse. I guess it's pretty common
I'm curious to know who you've observed it works for specifically--it doesn't seem to work for most people, and most of the poly relationships I knew were much less stable over the long term. Diana Fleischman, for instance, seemed to think you had to be disagreeable enough to have the difficult conversations, possess good communication skills, and obviously be able to manage jealousy.
(I only went to solo-poly after effectively writing off marriage and figuring it made a better ethical framework given that I wasn't going to permanently pair-bond. (I later quit romance altogether, but that was another story.))
I think it suits people who are self-assured, naturally low on jealousy, and novelty seeking. But the long-term happily poly folks I know vary quite a bit in personality - plenty are introverts, plenty are highly agreeable. Being low neuroticism obviously helps with building successful relationships, but that's equally true of monogamous ones.
Not OP but I personally have two friends from college that have been married as long as I have (10+ years) and both started their relationships and continue them as poly relationships.
Personally I am poly-orientated but chose monogamy because it seemed more stable, and I do have some envy that my friends didn't make that trade-off because - now it turns out it wasn't actually a trade-off for them! I was wrong! (It's of course not an option for me anymore because I married a mono-oriented man.)
Basically none of my friends with kids are divorced, though, that includes the monogamous ones, they're all still together too. I do have one mono couple friend of 10+ years that opened up their marriage a few years ago. Seems okay thus far!
We ventured into it and have been in it for over two decades now. Maybe not in its true sense .. we are ‘monogamish’ … my wife and I live together with our family and we have a third for over 20 years who is our best friend and at times, part of of sexual adventures as well.
In our 50s, we’re spending more time sharing our thoughts than actually living them. Here is a bit about us .. hope you enjoy the read and subscribe:
https://sanyagautam.substack.com/p/beyond-the-hustle-reflections-of?r=7yqr58&utm_medium=ios
We live very same way like you and call it 'monogamish.' I like how you say having a main partner keeps things stable. Most people miss this point.
I would call it polyamory to have a primary partner and also have, or being open to, other long-term, loving relationships. But I do think monogamish, where other partners are more casual, is a great model that works for a lot of people.
Thanks for this rather brave post. We are undergoing a long term evolution in which liberal societies move from controlling the reproductive capacity of their members as a societal good to treating it as an individual matter…but evolution happens only slowly, and there are, of course legitimate limitations, most importantly relating to children. The individualist end-goal should be a recognition that people are different, and should be free to seek relationship structures that work for them as long as those structures don’t harm others, and even if there are significant risks in not conforming to tried and true templates. Good luck!
Very nicely put, thank you!
This is a useful perspective and I resonate a lot! I also got into being poly via being in a kinda throuple and never looked back.
I remember being in my teens and people asking me about life. I never wanted a wife and kids. The thought literally never occurred naturally to me. I had always imagined myself as kind of a dirt bag vagabond, taking on partners for as long as it felt natural.
But I grew up in a decently religious area that pushed marriage and kids and the white picket fence. I fought against and every person in every position of authority would preach about how I was wrong. Or I was just a late bloomer. Society always talked about one true love. Marriage. The escalator. It always filled me with dread every time. But that's what people did, gosh darnit. It didnt matter if *I* felt like the entire idea of romantic love was some giant hoax being played on me.
I ended up married to the first girl that pretended to love me. In case you couldnt tell by my phrasing, it ended horribly. After it ended, I did sole searching and learned polyamory was a thing. And that I wasn't broken. Or crazy. Or wrong. Or anything negative. I was different, sure. But different isn't broken. I just had to find my people. Which is significantly easier to do when you know you're not alone.
Started dating a new girl that was excited to be poly. The last a full year until we moved into together and suddenly she didnt want to do it anymore. By that point she had enmeshed our finances together so much I couldn't afford to leave. Another monogamous relationship that ended quite horribly.
Now? I got about 5 or so half partners. I say half because they're all mostly comets are else the dynamic is lacking some major component (feature, not a bug) to being a full fledged partner. Being poly is something I will never budge on ever again. I will never have another live in primary partner ever again. I will never rely on another partner for stability ever again.
I don't really experience jealousy outside of the occasional jealousy of missing a concert or specific event. But, thats more so about the event than of the other people involved. I know I offer things that my partners aren't able to get elsewhere, and I know their other partners offer things I cant provide. But that's okay. I can't provide those things because I have no interest in providing those things.
But I am the happiest I've ever been since before I ever started dating almost 20 years ago.